In my whole life, my biggest turning point happened in 2018. My way of thinking, observing, and perspective on being alive changed indefinitely.

With every new day, facts were shoved into my mouth. I won’t go into more details, just I can say is it was life changing and a bit dangerous.

Since then, I occasionally ask myself “What am I doing?” and “Who am I”. These are very deep questions, and when I ask these to myself they feel like slap in the face.

The downside is, they do not have a “general” answer. And for many who asks this questions to themselfs, maybe they do not have any answers at all. Still, I have my own answers. Even though it is not very satisfying, it allows me to live my life.

#What am I doing?

At the moment, I’m writing this blog post. It is not related about tech, and while I was straining my kefir I was asking these questions to myself. I thought about writing about it and here I am.

But really, what the hell am I doing? It doesn’t have a specific answer. I’m trying to live. Maybe I can interpret this as surviving. Which is, what we all do after all.

But… but why do we live? What is the reason? Why I have to do what I’m doing currently? Why to cook? Why to work? Why to sleep? Why to take all that stress? This is where I have to switch off my logical thinking and interpret everything as “instincts”. This is my event horizon. Beyond this boundary, there’s just nothingness.

#Who am I?

I thought about this a lot. In 2019, I was always looking at the sky, mountains and stars and asked myself “Who am I, why am I alive?”. This question is harder than answering what am I doing. I’m alive, but how and why?

This is unanswered. I can just make up reasons for being alive, in order to keep surviving. When I realized I’m making stuff to keep the show running, another section on my brain just activated. I’m an animal. I can think, build, read, do art or cook. But when you look inside of me, I’m just an animal at my core.

I don’t know who sent me down here; I have no idea how I got here and what will happen after my death. I just know that I have to survive as much as possible. It all comes down to this. Probably, while you are reading this, you are not agreeing with me, and if you are not agreeing with me; you are most probably belittle me.

You are just not thinking enough. All the complexity of the life hides this truth from you. Just ask yourself “Who am I, what am I doing?”. You will find your way out.

#Nothingness

What is nothingness? It is not finding any purpose to live. My motto for my life is “Stress is the fuel of human”. We are not programmed to lie down all day. We are programmed to do be active all day. Unfortunately, the world we currently live in allows us to do nothing for long periods of time.

When you have nothing to do, slowly the nothingness will eat you. You will be depressed, empty and sad. If you belong to any religious belief, you always have some purpose in your life. But people like me, we don’t have any reason to be alive actually. We generate reasons, at least this is what I do.

I never crossed to nothingness. I wandered edge of it few times but never crossed that border. It is still a mystery to me, to all of us. I didn’t arrived, but I was so close to nothingness. I promise, you won’t like it.

#What to do?

Nothing. Currently I’m just cleaning my head. You can try to switch off these ideas, or do something else to suppress it. I just wanted it to share, or confess to myself. I’m not sure.

Maybe I will write about this again later on, but today, this is how I feel.

Have a great day, and don’t forget to live your life.